I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
