getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
