This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
