It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize