I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
