I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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