I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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