you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
