How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
