Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
