your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
