Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
