ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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