I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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