i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I looked at my own cervix.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
