Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
