1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize