Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
