im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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