Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
