Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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