The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
