i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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