You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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