Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
