bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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