You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
