I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
