you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also, beer. Big fan.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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