What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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