I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
