FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
