Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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