I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
