Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
