her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
