Taylor Swift is so right about you.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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