I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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