Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
