I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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