I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
