i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
