I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
