walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
