My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
