O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
