She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
