Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
