My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
