My liver just broke up with me...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
