I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
