how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
