White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
