I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
