I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
