I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
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