The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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