My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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