"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
